This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
