i used baking grease as lip gloss
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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