i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
