3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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