So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
