So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
