i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
My breasts were aching with rage.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
