Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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