So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
