If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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