shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I am one with the molecules
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
