sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
