i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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