i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
