I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
