I have demons in me.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
where are you?
Hypothermia
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
