Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
