I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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