At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
