The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
