the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
