i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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