I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Randomize
