I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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