I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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