I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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