I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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