I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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