You made me cry and you don't even care
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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