...so i touched it.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
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