If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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