got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
