tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Randomize
