her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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