so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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