so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
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