okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
