Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
