The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
