lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
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In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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