At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
