I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
