he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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