hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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