Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
