this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
