That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
