i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
