I accidentally had phone sex last night
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
