If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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