Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
