3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
