I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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